New Year

Well I'm back from what was basically a month long vacation in the frigid northlands otherwise known as Skyrim. I warned everyone that I would disappear once I began playing it, and then my friend Zacc bought me a Playstation 3 for my birthday which was awesome of him. Then I pretty much moved in to the TV and lived in skyrim. My girlfriend hated me for it but I told her it would happen, and she was the one who bought the game so she could only be happy to watch me 'enjoy' the game.

I did enjoy it. I enjoyed becoming the dragon born. I enjoyed learning of my powers as the legendary Dovakin. It was all good. Sure the game's design is glitchy, they're all glitchy, but that's not why I come to see that show. Everything felt a bit short but authentic. I was kinda sad that there wasn't really a "Rats in the cellar" type quest, but that's not the end of the world. What I do have to say though, is that I'm pretty worried about the Thalmor. They have the power to wipe out the empire. What the empire needs is a secret weapon. I think that if the Dovakin was an orc, he could gather all the orcs and their power would probably be enough to at least make a difference against the damn high elves. It would be pretty neat. I think it could be obvious that I played an orc.

Running into battle with a sword and a shield was a lot of fun. I made a couple of thieves before I made my orc, but that orc got to have all the fun.

Aside from skyrim its been a month since I finished my novel. The main story got over somewhere around 44k and the last 6k was a shortstory which took place at the same time as my other story. I didn't finish that one. I got past 50k and stopped. But I won. I totally won. I even forced myself to write something that I didn't like at times.

That was the major lesson, forcing myself to write through the parts where it is not appealing. Trudging past the times when writing is as slow as molasses, and the word on the street is that molasses is pretty slow. I would like to take a moment to also complain about the " P " key on this laptop. I don't like to complain, but the letter " P " has been such a Pain in my ass. Rah! Anyway...

I wrote a book, then in December I turned 25 and my friend Mike and I tried to fill books with drawings, but we misread the pagecount, (we read 110 sheets and thought 110 pages, instead we got 220 pages), so we aimed for the halfway point. We have both at this point made our goals! That's pretty awesome I have to say. Perhaps next year we'll up the goal, or get different books, but still this is a reason to be happy. I wrote a book, and have halfway filled another book with drawings of questionable content and quality, but a book half filled is still only a book half filled.

Black Friday

I finally had enough of the suspense and I looked at the Skyrim video game case. It felt good, now I don't have that sensation hanging over me. Feels good man.

Now that that's out of the way I want to talk about Thanks Giving Day. Some people say Thanksgiving. Like it is one word, that has its own meaning, but I insist on people trying to remember that it is a day for giving thanks. Not a Thanksgiving day, whatever that is. I dislike the fact that so many people relate the holiday with food and not showing gratitude to the people who in their lives make all the difference in the world.

It isn't my sense of humour which makes my life good, it helps, but it is the colourful cast of characters by which I am surrounded. They help me tolerate the day to day life that would otherwise be bland, mundane, and likely unbearable. It isn't even about the nice things they do for me, or anything that they do for me. I am grateful that people are even around me. I'm grateful that people care about me and think about me. I'd like to think other people are grateful for me as well.

For instance, Jonboy is one of my best friends. There may be days when he never crosses my mind, (few and far between if at all), but then I may hear a song which reminds me of him. One such song is "Dude" by Tenacious D. I'd call him up, and sing the chorus of the song to him in a very annoying voice mail. Those small things are the things that I'm thankful for. I'm not thankful for mindless consumerism, which has been indoctrinated into our culture. Black friday is not a real holiday. It is the day after a real holiday, which few seem to remember how to celebrate.

There are exceptions to every rule, and I'm sure there are many people who know how to be grateful, and remember to show their gratitude, but it seems they're few and far between. Think of the origins of Thanks giving day. We robbed the land of the natives, and in return they taught us how to survive, and they fed us. They didn't just feed us, they gave us something valuable.

I've run out of steam on this subject. I have no more to say than be grateful, be thankful.

Thanks.

Heart Pounding

I was standing in my room, gathering laundry into one pile, and garbage into another. Before I knew it, I found myself reaching for the place where I keep IT hidden. Skyrim. It taunts me, it haunts me. It keeps calling out to me. I'm fighting it, but I want to look. I'm putting up a struggle, but it's winning. In fact, it has already won, I'm just prolonging its victory, and my own damnation.

Commence vacation

With 16.5 k words to write left in my book, a ten page math assignment to complete, and several sections of my Principles of Fitness class to pour over, I enter my Thanksgiving break with barely any time to be thankful for. It sucks.

I still haven't looked at that thing stored in that box. It still haunts me. On more than one instance I have found myself sitting staring blankly at one thing or another thinking to myself, "I could just go look at it. It would be ok to take just a peak.", but no, it wouldn't. Because then I'd take another peak, and then once I've looked at it, what is the harm in opening it up and reading the manual, checking out the neat map they always insert? Where's the harm there?

The harm there, is that I'd get curious, and then I'd have to play it. Then I'd go to Jon's house and take over his TV and his playstation and he and I would both stop writing our books. I have resisted this future. I only have nine more days to go, but considering that I've only so far resisted this for 7 days, I'm not so fully optimistic that I will go the entire time without looking.

Maybe once I hit 45k words I'll sneak a peak. Or perhaps I'll deem it a dumb idea and just wait until I breach the big Fifty thousand.

Well either way, I'm going to enjoy today. Its my last day of class until next monday. I've got lots of work to do, lots of thinking to do, lots of reading to do, and lots of writing to do.

I'm sending out wishes and happiness for everyone. I hope your day of thanks is filled with warm smiles and fond memories. Don't let your inlaws get under your skin, and try to remember for one day, that we are all at least very similar and that we should all be thankful to have each other around. The world would be a very lonely and boring place without all of you in it.

Try the stuffing, its delicious.

The Thing in The Black Box

So among my friends it is widely known that I'm a big fan of a select few video game series. One of them is The Elder Scrolls. I've been a huge fan since Elder Scrolls 3: Morrowind. Well this month they released a new one. Number 5. It takes place in the spine of the world. Skyrim.

I'm participating in Nanowrimo. I'm a college student. I've got home work, I've got no time for video games, and I barely care about video games anymore, but Skyrim looks amazing. I want to play it. I feel a strong desire to put that notch in my belt. I know I must resist. My girlfriend Amber decided to be a sweetheart and buy me a copy of this game. She knows how broke I am, and that I'd probably not get the chance for a long while. She is amazing, but at the same time she brought me the ultimate temptation. I did the only thing I could do. I took it from her, and hid it.

Now it's been a couple of days, and I can sense it. I look across the room and I can see the place in which it is hidden. It's like I can see its outline within the wood of the cabinet. I can feel it there. I want to look at it. Hold it in my hands, look at the cover, then open it up and check out the map. But I know that if I go that far, I'll take it to Jonboy's house and he and I will both quit writing our novels and instead we'll take turns playing it until he loses his job or I get kicked out of college for drawing pictures of mammoths everywhere.

So it sits. It stays. It remains hidden, and each moment of each day that passes I can feel it sitting right where it is. Even when I'm not here I know that it sits there. I can see it there. It haunts me. The ultimate temptation. Like a brick of heroin to a junkie. I'm doing my best to resist. I will not play it before december 1st. I'm sure its only a matter of time before I look at it. Give me strength.

Thank you November

I've been doing pretty well this year. Writing my novel is going very well. Tonight I hit a fictional dry spell and am writing in my blogs instead. I figure its probably a good idea right? I had an idea for another story today. I don't know when I will get around to writing it. Maybe next year, maybe earlier. I think it's kinda an original idea. I could be wrong. Who knows. My idea is one from a genre which I normally don't even register. Animals. A story with nothing but animal characters. I think it could be cool.

It presents a lot of opportunities for character explorations. In the story I'm currently writing there is a red tailed hawk that I've been writing about. It's pretty neat to do so. It's something I've never done before, but when I was a kid I did read the Animorphs, which I loved. Everyone I know who read those books loved them. I still have the majority of the series on my bookshelf.

So there is something that I learned from Stephen King that I'd like to share. It's about writing. It is about audience. It is about you. Yes you, my reader. Stephen King refers to you as the ideal reader. Are you my brother? My friend? My beloved? Who are you? It is really immaterial to be honest, but there you are. I have found you. I've been having a lot of success by writing for you dear reader. Even though at the point of me writing this I have no one who reads my writings. Not even my friends or girlfriend read this. But this is mostly for me anyway, I'm not really sad about the fact. If I wanted people to read this journal I would advertise it a bit more than I do. The point I was trying to make is that if you have trouble writing. You should find your own ideal reader. Also learning to kill the inner critic is a blessing. I have learned a lot about writing this month. Thank you Nanowrimo!

Thinking about the Future

I've been writing a lot lately. It feels good. I've been doing well in school, that feels good too. I guess what I'm getting at is that I feel good about doing well, and that makes me happy. I've never put much more thought into it than 'i need to get into college' but now that I'm in college Its safe to start thinking about where I go from here?

College is game which involves scoring high in knowlege tests. Perhaps performing aqquired skills as well. Then you gather different types of credits, and build a degree. I've always thought of it as some horrible institution designed to chew me up and spit me out. And in my defence public schools seemed to be just that. My whole life it felt like was unqualified, due to some setback. Perhaps they were legit, perhaps they were just some mind fuck I placed upon myself. Now however, I'm getting the feeling that it really is something I can succeed at. I recognise its structure, at least on some very basic level, and it's not very daunting anymore.

I've been thinking about what major I should pick... I'm rolling ideas around like English and Psychology, with as much art and literature and writing as I can cram into a specific degree. Maybe continuing independent education, I don't know. I don't want to look too far down the road. I'm near sighted in life, and so I shall remain, near sighted when it comes to the future. I think I can deal with that.

Roland

you darkl... you tinct...

November

November is coming. I find myself counting down the days until I'm no longer under the employ of Dwayne Ehric working with Yung and Don and Jeff and Marv and Jim. The time is coming when I will be an unemployed full time student. I'm not sure if I should be excited or terrified, but either way I'm sure it will be alright.

Nanowrimo is on my mind... I'm nervous to tell this story. anxious.

The mounting pressure

Well it is starting to sink in that this college thing really isn't a fun ride. I'm getting grades now, and I'm not doing as well as I could be doing. I'm ok with it, because each failure is a chance for further success, and I know that I'm not obligated to get all As, but I feel like I'm letting myself down, and I know I shouldn't. The sense of impending doom looming over me isn't real, it is all a construct of my brain. Maybe I smoke too much. Perhaps I'm just putting too many chemicals into my system and I'm stressing it and me out. I don't know, to quote someone I love, "I'm not a doctor".

I feel like I'm running late for something. Time is ticking away and here I am sitting writing about my day in school. I don't think I'm becoming a regular cigarette smoker, but I've bought three packs since the quarter began... not a good score if you ask me. Not a good sign either... There was a time not so long ago when I could have said that I had never bought a pack. Well times have changed, we all trade in 'never before' s, selling out for the score.

I only have two weeks left of work at the Golf Course. The end can't come soon enough. I'm running myself ragged too and fro, and all the while the mountain of things that I need to do and/or finish... or begin...gets bigger. I have research that needs to be done, thousands of words which need to be written, and here I am on the other side of all that work, too tired and depressed to want to do it. To feel like I want to do it. I do want too, but I am having a hard time motivating myself...

Jitters

College is doing its best to get ahead of me, and in truth I am falling behind. Though, I know I'm letting myself do it, and it isn't good. I need to figure out a system for continuously stepping up to the line, and not being two steps behind. I don't really know what it is that I am going to do, other than keep my nose in the books. It really is too bad no one reads this.

My new boots!

I'm going to figure out how to post pictures to here soon, but I got some new boots! The are pretty spiffy and shiny new Dr Martens. As I'm writing this I have three pairs of socks on my feet, and two wet boots on. I read that if you get them wet it helps shape them to your feet, but they may smell, I figure I'll stick some insense in them, and they'll be right as rain. I'm going to go walk a mile in them, hopefully my feet will not blister by the end of the walk. That would be unfortunate.

e

I'm in college now. The rains have beset Olympia yet again, and so the time for enjoyment of the outdoors has drawn to a close for me. Some people enjoy being out in the rain but not me. I do if I don't have anything which can be damaged by water with me, but I often carry books and cards so rain is no fun for me. Though with my shaved head the rains feel fantastic.

I'm focusing my attention on class, and home work as hard as I can. I get tired a lot nowadays, and my my mind still wanders quite a bit, but I do what I can. In under a month I will be unemployed, and hopefully I'll be able to enjoy it. Maybe I'll go back to work at Target. I'm a much better employee now than I was back then. I have glasses, and can see. Though it would be cool to find a job with benefits, though with my schooling, I doubt that will happen. I do want to look into work study. I know nothing about it, but the information is likely right at my finger tips.

Late Night Biking

Tonight I went on a two hour bike ride around Olympia. It is something that i've done for as long as I can remember, biking around. Night is my favorite time to bike, it is cool out, the stars are shining, and all is quiet. There are more delivery trucks out than anything else on the roads. Sea-gulls caw from their hideouts, and random drunken Olympians leave half-eaten food at bus stops.

The magic of the night is not lost on me, it turns each block of city into an enclosed area, with its own special atmosphere. I miss late night biking as a child. I had such fun nights biking around with my best friends, and my brother. Looking back on my life I can remember many different adventures, in many different places, with a score of different people.

I've been suffering from writers block again. Still. Always. I don't know what to do to get past it. November is just around the corner, and I'll have a book to write. What can I do to shake it off? It is like a thick layer of volcanic ash settled over the windshield. Maybe not quite, but still somewhat similar. Both obscure a desired view, both are thick, and heavy.

Responsibility

What exactly is it? From where does it originate? Where does it lead one? From where does one learn responsibility, and how is it mastered? How will I know when I become responsible?

What about reliability?

And confidence? What must one do to be ever confident? And how may we stay ever-present and aware of ourselves with so much distraction in the world?

Life Changes

In less than two months I begin school, but before then the summer must finish. I have a few events coming up soon. Big things, which will change my life. One just happened yesterday, when one of my very best friends returned from his life in The United States Army. He has been gone for a few years, and has made a few visits, and we have managed to keep in touch, but in the time apart both of our lives have gone in new directions. Time will reveal how we will once again fit into one another's life, but for now it is very excited to have him back, after all who are you without your best friends?

Another of my long time best friends is getting married this coming weekend. I'm excited for it, it is a big step for him, and I hope he is very happy with his life now. He does seem to be, and he does seem much happier than he has been in a very long time. They have a child too, Ezra M. Haws. He is my little buddy.

I'm going to have a group camping trip soon to celebrate life and meetings and partings and relationships with some of my friends. For me it will be a special night, during which I will muse on these things as well as the future, but I assume for the rest it will just be a fun night. I hope it is at least.

Then after the summer festivities have wound down, and the trees turn brown and yellow and orange again under the reign of fall, I will begin college. It won't be a very strenuous class schedule, but each journey begins with a single step, and that single step is one I'm ready to take.

Blogging

So I've been suffering from writer's block for quite a grip now. Life just has this way of planting little obstacles between me and my words. For instance, it has been almost a year since I looked at this blog, or wrote in it. To be honest I had almost forgot that it even existed, yet here I am again.

Substance... I have yet to write anything of substance. It is a sad fact. What am I doing with my words, what are they doing with me, what are they doing for me? Filling my head. Bouncing around in my head, ricocheting at high velocity off of my skull. I think I may need a wilderness escape soon...

I have thoughts of walking a great distance. Perhaps even not a great distance, maybe even just a semi great distance. Or maybe not even walking, just some form of travel to ease my mind. I find that it is relaxing feeling the hum of the road through the wheels of an automobile.

My head hurts today. From the moment I woke til this very moment my head has let me know in a small way that it is displeased with the lack of caffeine in my blood stream. Damn caffeine addiction. It sinks its claws into everyone, even me. I doubt the population realizes how wide spread caffeine addiction truly is. Though it isn't the world's worst addiction, it is one that gets overlooked far too often.

I don't know what else to write about... Well there is this girl I'm somehow involved with. Our situation doesn't seem to get any better. It seems to me that she can't just let things be... Perhaps she over thinks things. I'm beginning to wonder if this situation is worth being in currently, she has many things on her plate, and I am getting the feeling that if I remain one of those things I'm going to be hurt. I'm so tired of that feeling of being let down. Dissapointment. Sunken shoulders, fake smile smeared across apathetic face.

Only time will tell.

And now Japan, which is one of America's biggest allies has been burdened by a huge crisis leaving their economy buckling. Meaning that both the US, and Japan, are completely financially weakened. Who knows how long it will take them to get back to a comfortable state of normalcy over there.

And conflicts are popping up everywhere, Libya, Wisconsin, Egypt.

I'm afraid.

I saw a wall of water carrying thousands of cars and houses as if they were made of paper cups. It makes me realize how transitory everything is. Nothing is made to last anymore, except the pyramids, and most of those are burried, or off limits. What are modern day humans thinking?