Well it is starting to sink in that this college thing really isn't a fun ride. I'm getting grades now, and I'm not doing as well as I could be doing. I'm ok with it, because each failure is a chance for further success, and I know that I'm not obligated to get all As, but I feel like I'm letting myself down, and I know I shouldn't. The sense of impending doom looming over me isn't real, it is all a construct of my brain. Maybe I smoke too much. Perhaps I'm just putting too many chemicals into my system and I'm stressing it and me out. I don't know, to quote someone I love, "I'm not a doctor".
I feel like I'm running late for something. Time is ticking away and here I am sitting writing about my day in school. I don't think I'm becoming a regular cigarette smoker, but I've bought three packs since the quarter began... not a good score if you ask me. Not a good sign either... There was a time not so long ago when I could have said that I had never bought a pack. Well times have changed, we all trade in 'never before' s, selling out for the score.
I only have two weeks left of work at the Golf Course. The end can't come soon enough. I'm running myself ragged too and fro, and all the while the mountain of things that I need to do and/or finish... or begin...gets bigger. I have research that needs to be done, thousands of words which need to be written, and here I am on the other side of all that work, too tired and depressed to want to do it. To feel like I want to do it. I do want too, but I am having a hard time motivating myself...
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