Anxious

I want to go back to school, but something keeps preventing me from taking the next step and making it happen. I'm letting that something stand between me and future success. I don't know what it is. I assume it is fear. Fear of what? Fear of effort? Fear of failure? Fear of going back to something that I already failed at?
I'm not sure. I don't know what going back to school will mean. That's not entirely true though. Going back to school will mean seeing old faces. Potentially seeing people that I don't want to see. Seeing people that I have wanted to see. People that I wanted to see badly in the past but now are only a reminder of what I have had and what I have lost.
My ex girlfriend is going to be at the same school as I am this year. I have never had this experience before. I was a late bloomer and never had any girlfriends when I was in highschool or middle school, so I have never had to share space with a former lover. I dread this. I shouldn't let that be the only reason I don't go back though. Maybe I'm just more comfortable procrastinating progress. I don't know.
I have to do something though because this part of my life is on a downward slope and I need to find some uphill direction. I need to do something now that will pay off later on. Something that I can set up a foundation for a new life upon. I don't know exactly what that means however.
I heard recently that Human Resources is a good area of work. Stable, and perhaps beneficial. I wish I had a clear path set ahead of me, but I know that no one does.
I always thought that my life goals would one day be illuminated by some thing or someone. One day a light would click on inside of my head and I would instantly know what it was that I wanted to do. It has never happened, and I'm aware of the fact that it never will.
I've also accepted that in my life I have lacked courage. Courage to try, courage to succeed. I have courage enough to fail, because I have known much failure in my life already. It is one thing that I know quite well in fact. From my failure I have gained wisdom, but never any power.
Courage wisdom and power are the three forces which make up the Tri-Force in "The Legend of Zelda" video game series. It is only a video game, a piece of fiction, but one can take wisdom from anything and the idea of the triforce is one that many people have latched onto. I always wished that I was courageous. Pretended in my brain that I was willful and brave, but I have realized that I am not.
My life never lead me to be courageous, and I never wanted power over anything. I wish that I had sought after more power over my own destiny in the past but the past is gone. I am left with wisdom, but what good is wisdom? What do I gain from wisdom? More wisdom?
Where I sit now is a kitchen, in the nicest place that I have ever lived and I fear losing it. Thoughts of what I must do make me anxious, nervous, afraid. I am confident that I can do what it takes to maintain, but I'm nervous to take a step forward. At my age failure seems like it will hurt much more than it has in the past and though I am wise enough to know that I can survive failure and pain, I am afraid of going through it. I don't have to go through it alone, but it doesn't make it any easier to move forth.
What will I do next? What lies ahead? I don't know. Hopefully it is something that I will enjoy and something that I can gain more wisdom from. I don't know what else to say really.

The funniest dream I've ever dreamed.

    I had a dream that I was in a haunted house with all of my friends and people I knew moving about shooting at each other as though it was an arcade shoot-em-up. I can’t fully remember where we started, but it was like a goofy haunted house type place. It resembled Centralia Washington, or at least parts of it. Specifically the home of my oldest friend Ryan. His childhood home to be specific.

    We were all dressed in random assortments of costume bits. I’m not sure what my costume was, or anyone else’s for that matter, but I remember them all being pretty random.

The first portion of the dream that I can recall clearly is walking near the outskirts of Chehalis into Centralia. There was an old pet-store which sold only birds there when I was young. I was walking by that place. The next thing I remember I was going through doors shooting imaginary bullets at people who, when hit by said imaginary bullets, dropped to the ground and played dead.

    In Ryan’s house there were all sorts of random things on the walls, and many  colored lights illuminating. I picked up a hand gun, and one of my companions, it might have been Jon Lussier, picked up a big plastic assault rifle. We came to a large sealed blast door, and after trying a few buttons we got it to open. Here is where my memory is most full.

    The blast door slid open, it was big and heavy, and had many red and yellow designs on it which were scratched and dented away from combat. In the room behind the door there were several stacks of crates and tires, all brightly colored with red and yellow light. A man jumped up from behind the crates and threw something the size of a football at us. It was diamond shaped, and had a large lightning bolt on it. The whole thing was brass colored. Jon and I, now joined by many other people that I recognized but not fully, jumped out of the way and the strange object went sailing past all of us. We all knew that it was a bomb, and that the rules were if it hit the ground near us and managed to become still it would have “exploded” and that we would all be dead. This was a game after all.

    The first bomb missed the lot of us, we all fired our weapons at him, but he ducked down. Some of us were convinced that we had hit him, but he was playing along as though we had all missed. He jumped up and threw another “bomb” at us, this time I punched it bare-fisted away. He pointed and shouted “You can’t do that! Bombs are metal and really heavy!”

    “Ow, my hand is broken then!” I said in response, shaking my hand as though it hurt; which it did not at all. I shot at him again and hit him directly, but he again ducked down and acted unscathed. Then he lobbed another bomb high through the air. It landed between all of us. We all knew that the bomb had gotten us, so we flung ourselves down to the ground with exaggerated cries of anguish.

    A moment later we were all back on our feet. The bomb thrower jumped back up to toss another, but this time we all lit him up with our imaginary weapons, someone even threw a hammer. He went down for good that time. We moved into the room and fanned out. The next moment I was basically alone in the same room, as though I had gone in by myself. I saw a tall skinny guy in a weird vest with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder with vivid purple and green feathers. I knew him, but can’t remember who it was. I looked at the parrot again but now it was a large chameleon of the same colors. It looked very real and appeared to be in high definition.

To my right I noticed another parrot, which at that moment was the size of a medium sized dog, biting at my jacket. When I looked fully at it, it morphed into a chameleon and began climbing up my body. It shrank to the same size as the other chameleon.

    The man standing in front of me held out his hands, one empty, one holding the other chameleon. “Let me show you something.” He said, and took the other lizard from my arm, Its little scaled feet grasping at my sleeves as he pulled it away.  He held the two chameleons close to one another and their small green feet grabbed one another. They held each other tightly, and the man began moving them around and blowing on them. With each movement their colors changed. So too did the colors change as he blew upon them. My gaze was transfixed by the spectacle. It was very vivid, it looked so real. I could see nothing but the two entwined lizards.

The two hands placed them down upon the bared chest beneath. They lay upon the right of two massive boobs. The tall skinny man had been replaced by a large round woman who was much shorter than the man had been. I recognized her as two people at the same time, though the proportions were off.

    The chameleons were again purple and green, and they were lying on the bared breast of this woman, but they were no longer chameleons. They melted into a strange blob of substance and color. My vision zoomed in, and I watched the color ooze away, only it didn’t simply ooze. The reality of what I saw is very difficult for me to find the words with which to describe the scene. It was like millions of hairs, or tentacles were touching and merging with her flesh, and then pulling back and separating from it as it oozed away. It was a truly strange sight to behold, and when it was done I just stood there looking at her breasts in amazement of what I had just witnessed.

    Ryan and the rest of them came running up from behind. “What the hell is going on here?” A look of suspicion on his face, for it was his girlfriend who now stood before me. Though in truth it was also Stephen’s girlfriend, she was two people at the same time in my eyes. Both of us faced him, and explained that she was just showing me something and her shirt happened to be off. As this was in fact the truth he believed us and we moved on to the door which was behind her.

    Another blast door. This time we had to hack through it using some strange device which I knew about, but never actually looked at. It was all happening off-screen. Jon hacked the door code, and it opened, revealing the front room in Ryan’s old house. In a chair facing away from us, there sat a mystery individual. I approached cautiously and it turned out to be Amber West. She was wearing a strange red and white corset dress and a grey tutu, on her head sat a red top-hat with a glittery band around the middle. Her face was made-up to look like something between the mad hatter, and the joker. It looked pretty cool.

    She sat motionless, and looked like a ventriloquist dummy. I kissed her on the cheek and she began to slowly turn her head. She looked at me and said “I’m forever never blond.” I’ve forgotten what I said to her after that, but I left her there and moved on. The group of people with me had grown again, and now everyone was there. I moved over to the hallway, and then started up the stairs to the second floor. I could see from where I stood halfway up the stairs, that the door to Ryan’s mom’s room was open, and that the bathroom door which was at the top of the stairs was closed. I was about to continue going up, when I saw something which froze me in my tracks.

    

    A green Teletubby began to slowly walk from the right across the top of the steps and toward the open room on the left. It bobbed up and down as it walk, pausing between steps to allow two beats, then it would take another step. Music began playing:

   

Dootadootadootadootadootadootadootadoota

Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot

    It was the strumming of an ukulele, in what I think was C or G. The pace of the strumming halved, then eight beats later doubled, then again halved over and over. The music repeated again and again.

    In the middle of the face of the teletubby costume was a hole, and in the hole was the face of my older brother Aaron. He had a goofy look on his face, and he did not change it at all. He made his way from right to left, and then disappeared into Molly’s room. The music kept playing, and I did not move from my spot on the stairway. I wasn’t sure what to make of this yet. Then I heard lyrics begin over the music:

“Cooome with me! Cooome with me!”

    The lyrics played again and again. A moment later my brother, The Green Teletubby re-appeared. He poked his head out of the door first, his face still in that goofy suprised expression. Then he came fully back into the hall. In his left hand was a tan bag. Still he bobbed up and down to the music:

Dootadootadootadootadootadootadootadoota

Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot

    His right hand reached into the bag and pulled out at twelve inch red teletubby doll, which he then made dance back and forth in the air. He set the bag down and with his left hand pulled out a yellow teletubby doll. Now the two dolls were dancing back and forth in opposite directions, as the Aaron the green teletubby bobbed up and down to the beat and swayed side to side with the words:

“Cooome with us! Cooome with us!”

    At this moment my nerve broke and I started quickly down the steps. I looked over my shoulder and that creepy green bastard was rushing down after me. The music still blasting throughout the house:

Dootadootadootadootadootadootadootadoota

Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot

    I ran as fast as I could but he kept up with me. I was running down a hallway which had many things on the walls, hubcaps, garbage can lids, car hoods, and many more other things. The lyrics of the song now changed:

“Ruuun from me! Ruuun from me!”

    I kept running, and ran into a room. It was the second TV room of Ryan’s old house. Suddenly in front of me was the yellow teletubby. I didn’t see who wore that costume but I kept running. Now they were both behind me. The green teletubby still held the two dolls in his hand, somehow all four of the teletubbies which were following me moved to the beat of the music.

Dootadootadootadootadootadootadootadoota

Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot

    I was running as hard as I could to get away from them. Everyone else who had been with me was gone. There was no trace of anyone at all. Not even Ryan or Jon. But as I ran I figured soon I would run into the purple teletubby, and that the face in the middle of its purple head would be none other than that of Jon Lussier.

“Ruuun from us! Ruuun from us!”

    The lyrics repeated again and again and again. They were following me closely, and I couldn’t lose them, but I was not afraid at all. In fact I was laughing pretty heartily. I woke up then, still laughing. I woke up laughing so hard that there were tears in the corners of my eyes. The song continued playing in my head until I went back to sleep a half-hour later.

    That was at 2:12 am 08/03/2013. The most hilarious dream I’ve ever had.