Roland

you darkl... you tinct...

November

November is coming. I find myself counting down the days until I'm no longer under the employ of Dwayne Ehric working with Yung and Don and Jeff and Marv and Jim. The time is coming when I will be an unemployed full time student. I'm not sure if I should be excited or terrified, but either way I'm sure it will be alright.

Nanowrimo is on my mind... I'm nervous to tell this story. anxious.

The mounting pressure

Well it is starting to sink in that this college thing really isn't a fun ride. I'm getting grades now, and I'm not doing as well as I could be doing. I'm ok with it, because each failure is a chance for further success, and I know that I'm not obligated to get all As, but I feel like I'm letting myself down, and I know I shouldn't. The sense of impending doom looming over me isn't real, it is all a construct of my brain. Maybe I smoke too much. Perhaps I'm just putting too many chemicals into my system and I'm stressing it and me out. I don't know, to quote someone I love, "I'm not a doctor".

I feel like I'm running late for something. Time is ticking away and here I am sitting writing about my day in school. I don't think I'm becoming a regular cigarette smoker, but I've bought three packs since the quarter began... not a good score if you ask me. Not a good sign either... There was a time not so long ago when I could have said that I had never bought a pack. Well times have changed, we all trade in 'never before' s, selling out for the score.

I only have two weeks left of work at the Golf Course. The end can't come soon enough. I'm running myself ragged too and fro, and all the while the mountain of things that I need to do and/or finish... or begin...gets bigger. I have research that needs to be done, thousands of words which need to be written, and here I am on the other side of all that work, too tired and depressed to want to do it. To feel like I want to do it. I do want too, but I am having a hard time motivating myself...

Jitters

College is doing its best to get ahead of me, and in truth I am falling behind. Though, I know I'm letting myself do it, and it isn't good. I need to figure out a system for continuously stepping up to the line, and not being two steps behind. I don't really know what it is that I am going to do, other than keep my nose in the books. It really is too bad no one reads this.

My new boots!

I'm going to figure out how to post pictures to here soon, but I got some new boots! The are pretty spiffy and shiny new Dr Martens. As I'm writing this I have three pairs of socks on my feet, and two wet boots on. I read that if you get them wet it helps shape them to your feet, but they may smell, I figure I'll stick some insense in them, and they'll be right as rain. I'm going to go walk a mile in them, hopefully my feet will not blister by the end of the walk. That would be unfortunate.

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I'm in college now. The rains have beset Olympia yet again, and so the time for enjoyment of the outdoors has drawn to a close for me. Some people enjoy being out in the rain but not me. I do if I don't have anything which can be damaged by water with me, but I often carry books and cards so rain is no fun for me. Though with my shaved head the rains feel fantastic.

I'm focusing my attention on class, and home work as hard as I can. I get tired a lot nowadays, and my my mind still wanders quite a bit, but I do what I can. In under a month I will be unemployed, and hopefully I'll be able to enjoy it. Maybe I'll go back to work at Target. I'm a much better employee now than I was back then. I have glasses, and can see. Though it would be cool to find a job with benefits, though with my schooling, I doubt that will happen. I do want to look into work study. I know nothing about it, but the information is likely right at my finger tips.