I feel older this year. It has only been a few weeks and already I feel older like this year is going to be quite a learning experience. It has been a while since I wrote here. I have few if any readers, and that is ok. I have a hard time sharing my thoughts and feelings with people. I can talk about random crap all day long, but my feelings are different than those surface thoughts.
I need to get it out of my head though. So I'm going to write about it. I'm going to tell you about last year. It was 2013 and I learned some important lessons. The year started with a blackout night. I drank way too much on the New Years night. I spent most of the following day recovering. I think Josh and I got donuts, but that might have been a different day.
My girlfriend Amber moved to Portland to follow her dream, but it didn't work out and she moved back a few months later. During this time I was working as "The Cart Guy" at the golf course in Tumwater. I listened to books on tape, like "Mastery" and "How to Win Friends and Influence People". I spent a lot of time listening to music too, but some of the best times were spent listening to some guy tell me about the importance of some or another human trait.
At this time I lived with someone who I thought I knew. It was almost a full year at that apartment. It was a cool spot, one of the only places in this city with a Parking Garage. From our balcony you could see a shape in the parking-lot outside that looked like a tear-drop. We were pretty sure that it used to be a pool. There were some good times at that apartment, then somewhere along the way things changed between him and I.
He had his own life and I had mine, but at some point I could tell that things were different. Peter and I had similar lives as kids. Not exactly the same, but still similar. He was someone that I felt that I understood, and I felt that he understood me as well. In every human to human relationship there are little things that get in the way of the enjoyment. I guess for him there were just too many things between he and I.
One day his hostility could no longer be contained and it revealed itself. An awful friend breakup ensued. I left him, but he had told me he wanted me out. I could have handled it much better I'm sure, but at the time leaving as quickly as possible felt like the best choice. Why prolong the suffering? The principle behind ripping adhesive bandages off expeditiously.
I moved in with Amber again. At the time her and I were having a rough patch. When she moved to Portland I told her I did not want to be in a distanced relationship because I don't believe they work. When she came back I told her that I didn't want to get right back together because I thought it would be a bad idea. I still loved her, but I wasn't sure if it was smart. It has been tough at times, but I have learned much and it has all been worth it.
One of my co-workers at the golf course sold me a scooter for very cheap. It is a pretty dependable machine, and I am very fond of it. The scooter has allowed me to get a job a bit further away from where I live, one with benefits. Many people have had the job that I have now as outsourced customer service, and have had pretty awful experiences. My experience hasn't been so bad.
I'm learning to play by the rules for the most part. It is a bit of a struggle for me, because there is something inside of me that urges me to rebel. To rebel against basically anything that I'm supposed to do. I don't really know what that is all about, but there it is and there it seems likely to remain.
I get some type of health benefits. I'm not really sure what I'm paying for, and I haven't used any of it yet. Its pretty intimidating to me. I have a fat stack of envelopes with information about stuff that I have no idea about, and I'm supposed to read it all and learn how to go to hospitals and doctors and have them tell me what is wrong with me. It all gives me anxiety.
I don't like stress and anxiety. They are hard to avoid though. Very hard to avoid. At the golf course my life was for the most part stress-free.
I don't really know what else to say about last year anymore. Except that before June 2, my life was a lot simpler. I feel it all could have been a lot easier if I had been better at communication with people. I may not have had to lose a dear friend, who I must admit was quite nasty and rude to me after the gloves came off. Its not always easy to watch your tongue, but he was deliberately offensive to me.
If I had communicated to him my concerns earlier, or perhaps just stayed better in touch with the way things were actually going between the two of us I may not have had to move and get a stressful job, but then I wouldn't be where I am now. It also seems to have left an air of separateness between me and my other friends. I don't know if they see it, or if I only see it because I'm the one who is carrying it around, but I feel the distance. I feel it growing.
I don't know if it is something that can be repaired. I want it to be, but at the same time I'm not totally sure if anyone is reaching out to me or just pushing me away. Am I being dramatic? I hope not. I don't really know if I am. I'm Simply trying to sort it all out.
The long and short of it all is that relationships are really hard. They are really really ridiculously frustratingly difficult. You can never really know what someone thinks, so even when you think you really know someone you might just be wrong. Having one person you were close with totally turn their back on you is painful, and it has a heavy price. The price is trust. With every such event one can find it harder and harder to let people in.
The question becomes whether or not it is worth it. What is the point of letting people in when they will inevitably leave you and hurt you? I don't know the answer to that question. I guess that's part of what life is about: unanswered questions.
